Sadness

Yesterday, I lost a friend. She was beautiful and brave and sweet and smart, and she had beaten cancer back once. Yesterday, she lost the second battle and is gone. I just... want to write about it here because I need to write about it even if I haven't dealt with/processed it yet.

I first met Tricia when she was rounding up volunteers for a TarValon.net table at Dragon*Con. I sent in my volunteer application to her. Later, I had a private message from her. She told me a little about herself and ended with: "That was my attempt at a non-weird/stalkery way of saying, "You sound interesting. Will you be my friend?" :P" And of course I said yes. We exchanged PMs fairly often, talking about writing and the Wheel of Time series and many other things. She mentioned that she'd had cancer, but she spoke of it as something that was already in her rear-view mirror. Every message exchange with her left me smiling.

She lived in Georgia. I lived in Texas. So we didn't meet in person until this past April, at JordanCon. When I finally came down to the party, Rachel introduced us, and I sat down with her, and we talked for an hour. We ate cake together to celebrate Rachel's birthday, she patiently listened to my blather about Stargate and then shared some of her own insights into the show. She talked about wanting to write a book about her battle with cancer, something that would help others in the situation she found herself in. I can't remember looking at her and not seeing her smiling. Later that night, we gathered with the rest of TarValon.net and shared the traditional toast, and she sat beside us on the bed. I was so comfortable with her - I felt like I'd known her for years and years, that she was like a beloved sister. Even David felt it. He doesn't automatically feel comfortable around people, but he really loved hanging out with Tricia. We talked about inviting her to come stay with us in Texas for a visit; we never got to extend the invitation.

I know that saying things like this doesn't help, but... If I had known that I would lose her so soon, I would have spent the whole weekend with her - just her.

Everything happened so fast - so unbelievably fast. Less than two weeks ago, Tricia posted that she'd had some bad test results. (I'm not going into too much detail here for privacy's sake.) She posted an update that the cancer was definitely back. Only yesterday, a friend posted that she'd been moved to hospice care, and then this afternoon, just a couple of hours ago, we had word that she had passed away yesterday afternoon.

We all left messages on her Facebook that she received and enjoyed, and I hope that the letter I mailed to her reached her in time. She knew she was loved, that we all loved her.

But guys, it hurts so much. It hurts, and I just... I don't know. I don't know what to say. She was so young and so bright and I just want more time with her and I'm so angry at cancer for fucking existing and taking my friend away from me. Little things, like scrolling through my phone and seeing her name - her Tower name, because all of you Tower folks I list by your Tower names - and knowing she'll never answer my calls again. Her email address popping up on my quick-mail list as I'm typing out another name.

There have been deaths in my life before now, deaths in my communities that touched me, that hurt a lot, but this is the first time in my adult life that I have lost a friend, someone I communicated with often, someone who I loved and who loved me back. This is the first time. I wish it could be the last time ever. But I know - and this is what scares me and hurts me even more - that it never stops. That I will lose all of you someday, and you all will lose me, too. I know that it's life, that it's nature, that it happens and nothing can stop it but oh gods, oh universe, I don't want to live through that, losing everyone just because it has to happen. All I can hope for is that the next time will be a long time coming.

I love all of you, so, so much.